Stoicism - PART 2 Introspective

Part 2: Assessing the situation

It has been a few weeks since I've began to attempt to adopt a stoic way of life, and throughout the following paragraphs I will express with the best of my abilities the events that have challenged me in order to become a better version of myself. This is not in any way a guide on how to be a "Stoic", but rather my experience and inner disputes I've faced in order to develop my current ideology into one that resembles my interpretation of Stoicism.

As the analytical and logic-based individual I consider myself to be, one of the things that I have always struggled with is embracing my emotions and confronting my feelings. A few months ago, I would have not considered one's spiritual self as something that needs to be developed or cared for. (Heck, I might have even said that it's a bunch of nonsense!)

Due to this lack of confrontation, I would usually not raise my hand when I felt something could be managed differently, or when I had a different opinion of a situation than that of my peers. This, naturally, caused both positive and negative energy to be locked in what I will call "The emotions chamber". 

I had no knowledge of the Emotions chamber within me, which kept trapped feelings that I was never able to express, The result: Frustration and an unfulfilling day-to-day life that eventually faded my motivation. 

A couple of months ago, When I began to open myself up to a significant other (In a way that I had never done before with anyone) in one occasion I recall bursting into uncontrollable tears, this was an obvious hint to me that there was something within that needed to be dealt with.

Months prior to that situation I had greatly reduced my tendencies of harmful habits. I knew that this would gradually cause a difficult recovery period and I would need to eventually confront a harsh reality. 

Eventually, during a normal afternoon in my room, I experienced a more intense emotional burst. Memories, frustrations, anger, sadness but also positive feelings that I had failed to embrace went through my head in an intense manner.

It felt like some sort of anxiety or panic attack. Thankfully, I was able to overcome this and I gained a different perspective on the importance of mental health. 

I began to test myself on how I internally respond to comments or situations where me and a loved one are involved, especially when I respond negatively to a situation. I was able to quickly pinpoint the cause of my emotional responses, many of which were a product of a history of physical and psychological abuse. 

Afterwards I quickly realized that whenever I had any minor inconvenience with the people I interact with, I would normally do what I could to prevent any sort of confrontation with the person involved, even if I felt like I needed to express an important disagreement. This behavior was most likely due to the fear of having an exaggerated emotional outburst for a relatively smaller issue, and the fear of hurting those who ultimately meant no harm to begin with.

I will need to practice embracing negative emotional responses, and build confidence that I am mentally strong enough to deal with my feelings in a mature way instead of deciding to bury them within me.

My second task is to speak out on what I think is right, and to understand that it is ok to express discomfort. If necessary, we need to fight for what one considers to be just and rightful and continue to stray away from any form of selfishness.